Interruptions in Heaven or God's Biggest Fans

First, in order for you to “buy this” I think I may need to point out some things about Heaven which you may not have thought of before. Do you realize our longest and most detailed view into Heaven is during what is perhaps the most important ceremony to have ever taken place? It is the revealing of The Lamb that was Slain and the opening of the seals which only He could open, it is “The End Times,” which are just that “times” that are temporary.

Now think for a moment about the most important ceremonies which go on in your church, for instance weddings or funerals, if someone were to only be present during those times would they have an accurate picture of what your church normally is? Would they not likely come away thinking it's rather formal or somber rather than a mixture of formal, somber, joyful, fellowshiping, and all the other circumstances which happen in your church's walls?

Keeping the above in mind, now read the rest.

I watched a recent interview of Taylor Swift. As she came out from the back and then periodically throughout the interview the cameras would pan the audience. In this video and in others I have seen throughout the years of different stars, I was utterly amazed that anyone can get so excited merely to be in the presence of another human being that, in reality, they don't even know. To have one of your biggest wishes to be that famous person just touch your hand or (gasp!) give you a hug; to have one of the things you want most in to have a picture made with this person standing next to you.

You've been around those types of people, those people whose excitement is infectious; who though they may not quite convince you to show as much enthusiasm as they, still cause you to show more than you ever would otherwise. If nothing else you smile at their antics and their delight. Their delight in seeing a friend's baby for the first time, of seeing a long-lost loved one, of going on a trip, to a concert of their favorite band, or even going to a place you've gone with them a hundred times before.

Though a small part of you may think they're ridiculous and silly, you still may cherish a memory where you caused that excitement in them, when you made it to the luggage area and where gathered in their arms or when they saw your first child and they seemed to really realize it was the most perfect baby in the world (unlike some other friends and family). One of my very favorite memories is from an “overly” enthusiastic greeting that I received from one of my best friends in college after she first saw me after break; she caught sight of me as I came around a corner, ran to me and almost knocked me over by jumping into my arms.

Some of us, when we get to Heaven, are quite likely going to fall down on our faces before the throne or at the very least hang our heads a little bit, because we can't quite accept that we're allowed to look into the face of God, need reminded we're perfect enough to actually be in the presence of Perfection. Likely, it will be Christ who approaches us and gently lifts us up, or raises our chin and looks us in the eyes with a smile on his face to assure us that we are, in fact, wearing his perfection and that it has become our own.

Then there will be the other type. The type who in death, as in life, have enthusiastically embraced their newness, who truly know they are perfect in Christ. I believe this type will burst into the Throne Room, oblivious to all the solemnity and almost bowl Christ over in their embrace. I suspect that the first few times this occurs after a more somber soul has just recently arrived, there is a sense of shock until they realize that this approach to Christ is just as perfect as their own.

Now, I know that some of you may have a hard time buying into this interruption thing but, if you allow yourself to think about it, can you really imagine Peter or Mary Magdalene first greeting Jesus in any other way? On earth Peter threw himself out of a boat (in his excitement maybe he briefly thought he would again be able to walk on water) in order to get to Jesus sooner and Mary wouldn't stop clinging to her Lord when she first saw him.

I can see Peter running towards Christ yelling, “I made it! Thanks to you I made it!” and Mary embracing and maybe even kissing Jesus (in a purer way than we can even understand before we are given new bodies not made of flesh) saying, “Now you have ascended, is there any reason now I cannot cling to you to show my thanks and love?”

If you still do not believe in these interruptions which I fancy sometimes happen, perhaps my last thoughts will convince you. Have you had anyone in your life who, though grown, has the mind of a child? Who has held onto a child's enthusiasm? Who never developed past a certain point? Have you seen their excitement when they successfully tie their shoes or button all their buttons all by themselves? Or finish a race (and it doesn't matter what place they come in)? Do you really think these innocents will care for propriety when they see something beyond their wildest dreams? See the one who created them and are finally able to understand how he has used their “imperfections” to make them into exactly who he wanted them to be and how their differentness help to shape so many others in their lives for the better? Do you think they will hang their head? No, they will probably shout “I'm here, look at me!” and demand high fives of the Heavenly Host on their rush to their Heavenly Father's throne.

Speaking of innocents. What of those children who knew no real family on earth, who left life early because of neglect or war or famine? While on this earth Christ said, “Let the children come to me for Heaven belongs to such as these.” Will he not say the same in Heaven? When one of those young souls are welcomed home, will his lap not be waiting? I think those starved souls will see Him seated and know exactly what he wants, for it is part of what they were created to want, to be loved and touched and cherished.

Yes, I believe Heaven is about worship and praise. Yes, Christ and his Father are more majestic than anything we can begin to imagine, more awe-inspiring than our minds can now comprehend. But also our God is Love and we are reminded again and again that we are the Bride of Christ. The Church's relationship to Christ is compared to the relationship of a husband and wife and I firmly believe that we are called to try to work on and perfect our relationships here because they can better teach us how to relate to our Creator and will allow us to have a better relationship not only here but also There.

I do not think I will run into Christ's arms or run to hug my Father's knees but I do not think I will be too shocked when I see some of my Family do those very things. Then I will know some of God's biggest and most enthusiastic fans have just walked or rather ran through Heaven's door.

Continued Uniqueness While Forever Becoming More and More Like the Father

I think in Heaven we will continue our journey to become more like the Father, we will have an eternity to work on it, so maybe “someday” we'll get pretty close. So, does this mean eventually there will be a bunch of identical creatures occupying Heaven? If so, then what was the point of our experience while on earth, of giving us each unique DNA, of creating us with different strengths and different weaknesses, of allowing us to experience different joys and different sorrows? If he wanted sameness, I think he would have bypassed earth and just created us ready-made, purely spiritual beings.

Rather than becoming more and more the same, I think that though some aspects of us will do that, we will actually become more different and unique. Because though we may all be becoming more and more like our Father, our Father is so complex, so “huge” a being that we will never become “large” enough to encompass this vastness. Our experiences, our DNA, our uniqueness puts us more in tune with some particular aspect of God which we better understand than any other being and through eternity we will better come to personify that aspect, and in so doing become more unique and different than the beings around us who are better learning to personify some other aspect of God.

A part of why I think this way is the image of us, as a whole, as the Body of Christ. Each of us are a part. I am the left earlobe, you are the right eyelid. Given eternity I will never be the whole body, you will always be a part of me as I am a part of you. We will grow, we will change, I into a better earlobe and you into a better eyelid. Together, all together, we will come to look more like Christ and our Father. We will continue to learn to function as one, to share what we experience of heaven and God but I think we will forever remain different parts.

The Word That Never Came

I wrote this a few years ago for another blog. As I was re-reading it before I used it for a Lord Supper talk this past Sunday, I realized the ideas for it were strongly inspired by a skit I was a part of at Bible camp years ago. I don't know the name of the skit or who wrote it...so that's the best I can do in giving credit.

The Angel Michael stands in readiness with legions of angels flanking him and standing at his back. At any moment they expect the word, they are constantly on edge, leaning forward in their strain to hear, in case it is said in a whisper. They heard their Master crying, in so much pain he seemed to be sweating drops of blood. They do not understand his words to the Father, do not know what horrid thing Christ will face which causes him to say, “Not my will be done, but yours.” Michael cannot stand to see his Lord in such pain by himself, the Lord’s silly disciples are asleep instead of attending to the task Christ set them, so Michael comes to his side and reminds him he is not alone. “Whatever needs done, we can help you, you know what strength each of us has.” Christ looks to Michael with pain in his eyes, knowing he must face this task alone, but thankful for the comfort Michael has tried to offer.

Christ returns to his disciples, they are asleep, again. He rouses them and points to the torches coming up the road, to the mob coming through the shadows. Christ asks whom the mob seeks, they answer and Christ says, “I am he.” They fall to the ground from the power of his words, but foolishly still want to take him. Michael smiles and readies himself when he sees Peter draw his sword, now Christ will give the word. Instead all Peter’s clumsy attempt produces is a loss of an ear and, to Michael and all others amazement, Christ heals the injured man and allows himself to be taken.

All the humans who are with Jesus do not understand and flee; where is the warrior king they were expecting? Why is the Messiah going quietly? Even the angels do not know the plan, but instead of fleeing they surround their Lord more closely until he silently tells them to retreat a little and stand their ground, for his captors are losing their nerve. The captors do not see the angels but can feel their suffocating power.

A man, a mere puny man dares to call his Lord a blasphemer so Michael raises his sword to deal a killing blow, thinking, “Surely he will now give us the word.” Instead, Christ simply stands there as the supposed priests strike the King and spit in his face. One of the angels meekly asks, “Do you think he somehow lost his ability to speak?” not believing his Lord would allow this to happen to himself.

The nightmare of a night continues, the angels, of course, not growing weary but some of these ancient, almost timeless beings begin for the first time in their existence to feel impatient, as their Lord undergoes more accusations. Some begin to doubt the wisdom of God, why did he decide to become a being limited in power anyway, a creature who can be broken, hurt, and killed?

An angel yells to Christ as Christ is being beaten, “We are still here, can you not talk? Why Lord, why are you allowing them to do this? Just give us a sign.” Ending with a desperate, almost helpless voice, “We are still here…we are ready to stop all this.” But the Master of all still does not stop the blows and torture. And still the nightmare continues, more mocking, more accusations, more misunderstanding on mans part and the angels and finally, heresy of heresies, a sentence of death on the most innocent man who has ever walked the earth.

The Lord is forced to carry his own cross and falls beneath its weight. A tear slides down Michael’s face, the angels are crying at seeing their Lord so weak, knowing full well how strong he could be if he would only summon the power into himself. They are crying because he seems so alone, yes, they are standing all around, but the humans, the foolish humans whom Christ came to save are treating their Messiah as a thing of utmost contempt.

The nail is posed above Christ’s hand and Michael yells to his legions in a voice which shakes the sun, “All ready now, the word must come, has to come.” The hammer strikes, again and again, on to the other hand and a nail through the feet…still no word comes. The universe looks dark to the angels eyes, everything seems wrong, as if wrong has finally won, as if the Traitor has somehow cheated God and has finally gotten his way.

Michael and his legions surround the hill, keeping the sniveling, snickering demons away from the angels Lord. Michael looks into the the face of the devil and sees the smile on his face, his sneer thinking he has finally won. The sky seems to match the devil’s mood, for it seems the very sun has forsaken the sky and darkness appears to reign over the light. Michael’s face is grim but he says, “It isn’t over yet, we are only waiting for the word and all this will stop, then you will not be smiling anymore.”

Twice now the Lord has spoken and were it not for the lightening reflexes of the angels the universe would be no more, for when they saw his mouth begin to open the angels began to make their move, only to stop themselves and hear with disbelief the words which came from their Lord, words of forgiveness instead of a command.

Final words come from the Lord’s mouth, “It is finished.” The angels see that life has left the Savior’s body. “What is finished?!,” all their throats yell with a voice so filled with grief, confusion and power that it rips the world in half.

Michael hangs his head and says to his army in tones of sadness and shame which makes creation tremble, “Somehow we have failed.”

If only our Savior would have yelled or whispered to the waiting angels, “Now!,” the world would have stopped, the skies would have melted and the ones who were crucifying our Lord would have turned to dust before the angels fury…but that word did not come, Christ did not stop it all and God did not destroy the world because of the monstrosities committed against his Son that day. Instead, Christ died, taking our sins, our guilt for every sin we have ever committed upon his shoulders in hopes that we would look at that act of love and be won by it to an everlasting life spent with the Father and the Son.

Of course I do not really know what Michael or the other angels were really feeling, but even if they did know the plan (which God seems to like to have some mystery about him, so maybe they did not know), they must have felt helpless. Even with all their power, they could not take away the pain Christ was experiencing, they were not allowed to strike down the ones who were mocking the One they loved. The gift of Christ’s life which he gave, the gift which allows us to be born clean and pure into eternity, did not only cost Christ and God. It also cost the angels the pain they felt, and the women's pain who loved Christ with their all, and the men's pain who had put all their hope in Him. Happily, the seeds of their pain lead to more joy than the universe can contain, to a realized dream of God’s that will one day unite angels and man before His throne, to live forever sharing with each other the portion of God which they understand better than any other being because of the experiences they have had. And what an amazing dream that is.

Christ, the Most Hopeless Romantic

I wrote this as a Facebook note over a year ago and wanted to share it on here in hopes that someone would read it and be encouraged. :)

Do you ever get an idea in your head that will not go away, lingers in your consciousness, and demands to express itself? I sometimes do and the idea behind this is one of those things.

Often when I am in church or hearing or thinking about God/Christ and our relationship to the world, I can't help thinking that Christ's view of us is somewhat of a hopeless romantic's view. I look around and see he seems to have much more faith in us than is justified; his hopes for us seem so hopeful as to be hopeless, he thinks we can move mountains when we cannot move a molehill, and says we would be known by our love when we cannot even love ourselves. Think about it, God has so much faith in us that he made us his ambassadors to the world, Christ prayed for us all to be united as one as he and his Father are one, said we would be known by our love, and told us to be perfect as he and his holy Father are perfect. Pretty ridiculous isn't it? Talk about setting yourself up for a shattered dream and a misplaced hope. What an utterly hopeless romantic, rose-colored glasses wearing, delusional head-in-the-clouds dreamer that guy, Jesus, is.

Wait a minute, who thought we were worth laying down their life for? Who gave up being being an infinite being to be contained in a fleshly body so he could reach out and touch us? Who knows us better than anyone? Christ. Even knowing all he knows or maybe even because he knows all he does, he has faith in us and hope for us. He believes we can be light, salt, and love to the world. He believes that by our actions people can see God. What a horrifying and “awe-full” thought, what a responsibility and honor, what a testimony of faith towards us. But, after all, doesn't the Bible say we are made in God's image and that God is love, so are we not also love? Christ's hope is not misplaced, for God made us in his image and we are clothed in Christ. I think we have a lot more potential...if we could just get over thinking of ourselves as wretched and believe in each other and ourselves as Christ believes in us, who knows, we might even be able to change the world.

My Response to “Marriage Isn't For You”

I'll freely admit, I've always been a hopeless romantic, just ask the girls I wrote poems and letters to oh so long ago. The first time I read the Marriage Isn't For You post, I read through it with a smile on my face, but then before I hit the “share” button, I thought about it some and read it again. After reading through it again something didn't sit just right with me, but I didn't realize what it was until I had read through a bunch of the comments (I don't recommend reading through the comments of anything that has gone viral, it can make you start questioning the sanity and decency of humanity).

All one comment said was, “Marriage is for God,” yeah, this is true, but without expounding, no one knows what the crap you're talking about. Another comment was fairly long but they wrapped it by saying, “God is happiest when we are happiest.” And that caused me to realize what didn't feel right about the post, my “hang-up” word was “happy.”

I went to the Bible to try and learn God's purpose for marriage and, if you simply read Paul's reasons, it's actually a little depressing for a hopeless romantic. Basically, Paul encourages people to stay single, but if they can't control their “passions,” they should marry as a way of having a righteous way of dealing with sexual urges. Well, that's not very romantic and if that's the only reason someone is marrying me, then I think I'll pass. So I went back further, to the verses where God talks about creating Eve. God said “it is not good that the man should be alone” so he paraded every creature in front of Adam that he might name them; even after that, God didn't think their was anything suitable to be a companion for man, to be his “helper” (which the word “helper” here is used elsewhere as a term referring to God as our helper, it is a term of honor). A cat or dog wouldn't do away with man's being alone; even though God walked in the garden with Adam, that didn't take care of Adam being “alone.” So God created Eve to be his companion and to chase away his loneliness.

I think God creates some people with a longing for companionship (an aspect of this being physical intimacy) which cannot be fully filled, while in this flesh, by God or anything else. Maybe it is a weakness, maybe it is better to stay single, if you can, so you can more fully devote yourself to God; but God has his writers again and again compare the relationship between Christ and those he has saved to the marriage relationship. In other words, God thinks marriage is something beautiful that can exemplify aspects of Christ's love as no other thing can.

Why did I get hung-up on the word “happy?” Because I don't think it dives deep enough. First I'll say, maybe the author of the post did intend a deeper meaning, but the commenter I spoke of did not. I'm not sure where and when this idea that what God wants most for us is for us to be happy slipped in, but it's wrong. Christ promised us peace and joy, but he also promised trials and persecutions to those that would follow him.

This next thought was influenced by C.S. Lewis and one of my Bible professors in college, but I think it is also implied in the Bible, “Count it all joy, my brothers and sisters, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete...” James 1:4. The idea is that this world is a schoolroom in which our souls are shaped into beings better suited to heaven, better suited to see God and praise him. C.S. Lewis and many others think suffering is one of God's greatest tools in this shaping (that's not to say he is always the cause of the suffering, only that he uses it).

In one of those poems I wrote when I was young, I spoke about wanting to shield the girl from all pain but of also wanting her to grow, so instead of promising to shield her (which is an impossible promise anyway), I promised to be with her through her pain, to walk beside her.

So why do I think we should marry? To fulfill a longing only another human can fill, and to fill that longing in them. To paint a picture to the world of what Christ's love for his church is. An addition to this painting can be made through having children and your love relationship with them, but if you can't/don't have kids, just focus on making your painting the most beautiful it can be.

Through all of our experiences I think we have the potential to learn aspects of God we could otherwise not learn, that we will one day share with one another once at our heavenly home. If you stay single and Christ is your sole lover, you will learn aspects a married person will not learn. If you marry, through that relationship, you will learn aspects of God's love you would learn no other way. Through having children, you would learn other things. And on and on, in all parts of our life.

So, I'm sorry, dear, wherever and whomever you are, but my primary goal is not to make you happy. A teacher once shared with me that when Paul said,”Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her...” what he was saying is that I should live and love towards you in such a way that will make you whole and perfect, so that your soul is better suited to heaven, so that by the time I'm done loving you on this earth, you will be an even more beautiful bride for Christ. My primary goal is to walk beside you, whatever emotions you are feeling, no matter how dark the trial is. I cannot and will not shield you from all pain, but I will experience it with you, try to see the light in the darkness with you, even if it takes years and years and even if we still have to search for it in heaven. I hope we laugh a lot with each other, cause joy to spill from one another's hearts and faces. I will try to love you in such way that makes you more beautiful than you are, more ready for heaven. I hope you will do the same for me.

All that to say, marriage is a tiny bit for me, a little bit for being a light to the world, mostly for you, and all for God.

Worry for Our Country but Hope for the Church, Some Odd or Not so Odd Thoughts I’ve Had

I first wrote posted this (on another blog) on October 7^th, 2008. I figured it applied as much or more to what some people are feeling these days, as it did to when I wrote it.

I have heard many Christians worry about our country and the path it seems to be going down, worry about the government and what it may do to religion (and Christianity in particular) in the future. First, I will say a simple, pat statement; do not worry about the Church too much, it is not ours, it is God’s and he will not let it fall. By saying that, I do not mean bad things will not happen and that we will not be persecuted but that, if the Church is what we think it is, it will continue no matter what man’s and satan’s evil plans may be. Think back to Gamaliel's words, “...for if this plan or this undertaking is of man, it will fail; but if it is of God, you will not be able to overthrow them.” If this body, called the Church, is really from God, he will not allow it to fail.

Now for the hope. People speak of our government someday being against the Church as a horrid thing, and I used to think, when that day comes, I will simply run away to another place where I can live in peace. But after having thought about it some more, I have realized some things. The day we begin to be heavily persecuted in this place is going to be an exciting time, hmm, maybe that it not the right word, it is going to be an eventful time and growing time for the Church. For a while the Church may decrease and not grow in numbers but, at the same time, faith is going to be growing in those who are sincere. It will be a time of sorting, sorting out those who are willing to die for their faith, truly willing live in and for their faith, and those who no longer claim the name Christian. We will be able to taste our faith, to feel it, and see it, for it will truly be our strength and hope. God will be more our Father because it is He who we will have to run to for comfort and strength and peace. Heaven will be all the more closer, for it may reside just around the corner.

There have been times in the past when I have prayed, almost begged, for a physical evil to fight instead of the quiet whispers of evil which sneak around my head; I have been envious of Caspian and the dangers he faced, for he actually could face them, he could look them in the face and know what it is he is fighting. If things get bad it would not be as in those books, we would not take up the sword and face our enemies, but our physical and spiritual worlds would more closely collide and in so doing make our faith more tangible (I am sorry but sometimes my faith seems so distant).

I have a hard time thinking such a “horrid” future as horrid because, if we allow it, it could be a time of major unification in the Church. I think we would have a harder time judging a fellow Christian who may be a little different from us, when we look them in the eyes and see their willingness to die for their faith. In having a terrible common enemy against us, I think we would better remember who our brothers and sisters are. I am not saying there would no longer be differences, but that we would perhaps, hopefully, learn to more peacefully get along and love each other despite those differences.

I said the Church may decrease in numbers for awhile, because many or some may leave or forsake the Church, but, after a while, even while the persecution is still going on, it will grow. Look and remember how the Church grew in the New Testament while terrible things were going on, think of those places even today where the Church is growing despite persecution.

I spoke earlier of my maybe running as if it would be a bad thing, and it would be a bad thing if we all ran and forsook this country, but we can also look at it as spreading. Christians left certain places in the New Testament times to escape persecution, but they did not leave their Christianity behind, they took it with them and spread it to the whole world. One could think of it as a somewhat forced mass missionary movement.

I think I have shared enough of my crazy thoughts. I will just say, yes, it is sad our country may fall into disarray and evil but “the Son also rises” and will continue to rise until the end of time. With our help, God will take care of the Truth and His Message and no matter how opposed and oppressed it may be, the Church will go on and He will even cause it to be stronger because of it.

God be with us all, may he give us the faith and strength and courage to face tomorrow, whatever it may bring.

A Communion Thought

I did the devotional thought for Communion on Sunday, I thought I'd share on here what I shared then. I originally wrote it for a Communion thought I did in Ukraine in 2009.

When I am thinking and praying as I take the Lord's Supper each week I do not always just think about Christ's death and resurrection; but also sometimes think of the life he lived and remember the fact that he did live a life in the flesh on this earth.

We serve an Almighty God and, though he knows everything, sometimes, when we are suffering, we may be tempted to think he does not know what we are going through and that he cannot know how we feel because he has never experienced it. But as well as coming to earth for the obvious reason of saving us, I also think Christ lived a life in the flesh for this reason, so that when we cry to him and say God cannot not know how we feel, he can whisper gently back to us that he does, for he has felt it, too.

While on this earth Christ actually dwelt among us, the Son of God lived day by day feeling sometimes hungry and sometimes cold, feeling the hard ground beneath his back as he slept in the wilderness and the warmth of the sun on his face in the morning. And he did not live in a palace while here, being served by humanity, but was born to a somewhat poor family and continued to live in poverty his whole life, even when he could have charged so much money for the thousands he healed.

While Christ was here he was tempted and tried; he was doubted and ridiculed by the very ones he loved; he was made fun of and called names which where lies; he was shunned and rejected by the very nation of people who should have recognized him as their Savior; and then, then the most innocent man to have ever walked the earth was beaten because of jealously and died a lawbreaker's death because he was hated by those who claimed to serve his Father most faithfully.

The most pure Being to ever walk the earth took the sin and filth of those hypocrites upon himself, he took our guilt and failings upon himself. And as Paul says in 2 Corinthians, he who had no sin became sin for us. We serve a God who was not only willing to die to save us but was also willing to live to save us, to dwell among us for a time so that by seeing Christ and his actions, we might see the Father. So that through seeing Christ' blood, sweat, and tears and hearing his words of love, we could see the kind of God we serve and the type of God we are loved by. Finally, he lived here in the flesh so that we may look at his life and see how God wishes for us to live and love and strive to serve him.

The Story of Simon the Zealot or Why I Ran From My Lord

Because almost nothing is known of Simon, there even seems to be disagreement as to what "Zealot" refers to, I feel free to tell his story, because I cannot be contradicted and cannot be told it is not true. Even so, remember this is fiction, I am merely trying to convey how he may have felt, especially if he was a part of the Zealot political group. To an extent, perhaps this is how a few of the Apostles felt and is the reason why they ran away. The time-line of events followed is from the gospel of Luke:

I know my name is not mentioned until the Lord healed the man with the withered hand on the Sabbath, but I was with him before that. Like all of my people for hundreds of years, I hoped the Messiah would come in my lifetime. We had been oppressed for so many years that I felt certain he would soon come, that YHWH would surely raise up the King to reclaim his kingdom and set us free. So I listened to the rumors, to the scandal which arose after Jesus rose in the synagogue and read from Isaiah that he would "set at liberty those who are oppressed." I was with him that first time he healed many. It was then my heart first filled with hope, it was then I decided to follow this man who appeared to be more than a man, for I wanted to see where he would lead us.

Then I saw how people listened to Jesus, how he could not only heal but inspire followers by his words. How he was not scared to challenge authority, how, in claiming he could forgive the paralyzed man his sins and also claiming he was "Lord of the Sabbath," he was claiming to be much more than a man. So he appeared to be more and claimed to be more and I continued to follow him.

Imagine my delight when he called me by name to be one of his 12. I was a little confused by some of his choices, if you are going to be a King reclaiming the kingdom, it seems odd to include traitors like Matthew. I supposed he had his reasons.

I saw a multitude gather and hang on every word, I saw many healed and a smile played on my lips, I saw that even demons obeyed my Lord's voice and was awed. I have heard some tell the stories of those times, how they say the Spirit blinded our eyes, covered our ears, and shielded our hearts so we would not fully understand some of the things which Jesus spoke, but as for me, I know I did my share of purposely misunderstanding and hearing only want I wanted to hear. What kind of Warrior King speaks of loving your enemies, of doing good to them, of blessing them instead of praying for their demise?

I was near Jesus' side when a centurion came to ask him to heal his servant, I heard Jesus say he healed the servant from afar and later heard the confirmation that, indeed, the servant had been healed. A part of me wondered why the Lord would consent to do anything for a centurion, a soldier of the Oppressor, but a larger part of me was elated to learn the one I served could heal even at a distance.

Then, then I saw that Jesus had power even over death! The Lord spoke and, by his touch, gave back the widow's only son. This is when I knew, I knew that with this more than man we had a chance, we had a real fighting chance of casting off our oppressors. Also, I was there when the Lord answered John's disciples, and noticed that he did not encourage them to look for another Messiah, but rather to look at what he was doing.

I remember it had been a long day, filled with Jesus' teaching in parables and explaining their meanings to us. We were all tired, but especially our Lord, for he had been standing before the crowd from that morning. Then he asked us to cast out in a boat and cross to the other side of Galilee. The wind was behind us, so we all dozed for awhile but then the wind became stronger and the waves came crashing over the sides of our boat. We were all wide-awake then, well, at least for Jesus, who was still somehow asleep amongst the storm. We thought we would drown, we thought the boat would capsize at any minute, so we cried for him to wake up and save us. The Lord awoke and rebuked the wind and the waves and they listened to his voice. The very elements obeyed his commands! And we wondered, what man is this that even the wind and rain obey him!

After seeing other amazing things, Jesus gave us some of his power and sent us out. So we were able to heal the sick and broken, we were able to cast out demons by the very power of His name. And I was beginning to feel we were invincible, with this much power on our side, how could we fail.

We then returned to our Lord to be with him more, to learn from him and to walk in his shadow. Soon after this I saw the last piece of the puzzle fall into place, I saw the thing which convinced me that the Lord would indeed be the one who brought our people salvation. There were more than five thousand men gathered, who had been there all day, so they had eaten all they had brought with them. When we suggested to Jesus that he send the people away so that they might get food, he told us to feed them, but among all those people we could find only five loafs and two fish. Despite the lack of food, the Lord had us sit the people down, said a blessing over the little food we had, and told us to pass it around. The food began to multiply, every time we passed the baskets, there was more food to be had, until everyone had had their fill.

I had now seen how our Lord commanded the attention of those around him, how when he wanted them to, they would hang on every word. I had seen him heal the sick, raise the dead, and cast down evil. I had seen him command elements, with the power of his words. And in this last miracle, I had seen him feed thousands with food which did not even fill one basket. I saw all barriers to our victory stripped away and saw the certainty of our enemy's defeat.

What matter that my countrymen were small in number? If we were injured or even slain, the Lord would simply heal us and raise us up. Rome is evil, but I had seen the Lord command an even greater evil to bend to his will. I imagined battles where the rain would fall in our enemies eyes, the wind would be at our backs giving us strength, and the very earth would tremble beneath the feet of our enemy as we charged toward them with a yell of certain triumph on our lips. I envisioned an army with no need of a supply line, for the provisions we could carry would last for the duration of any war. I saw in our Lord the perfect Commander, the perfect General, the Jewish people's secret weapon, I saw before me the promised Warrior King.

Once I had decided on Jesus' destiny, is it any wonder I did not hear his foretelling of his death? My heart and mind had shaped him into what I wanted him to be and I refused to hear anything else, to see anything else. From then on I twisted Jesus' every word to my liking, chose to hear such sayings as, "I came to cast fire on the earth..." and nothing else, nothing about loving my enemy or how all who followed him would suffer, for he was the Warrior King. David risen again, but greater. I chose not to see when Jesus forgave another traitor, another tax collector, to listen to his talk of forgiveness, to further tellings of his eminent death, and I did not heed his tears when he wept for the city of Jerusalem because her walls would someday be tore down by the very enemy I thought we would crush.

Knowing all this, do you see why I ran? Why we all ran? First our Warrior King tells us merely two swords are enough and then when clumsy Peter swings his sword, the Lord tells us to put them away and he heals the enemy! Even though the mob who came to arrest him falls to the ground because of the power of his words, he surrenders to them willingly! Our Warrior King allows himself to be seized and begins to walk meekly out of the garden; so our dreams were crushed, our hopes and prayers were trampled on, our courage left us and we fled.

So after his death we gathered together, wondering what we would do now, regretting all we had given up, and feeling helpless, scared, and lost. Our leader had failed us, our King had given up his power, our Messiah had died. Some of the truest and strongest whispered about him saying he would rise, but what would that really accomplish? Jesus had made it clear by his death that he would not fight, would not be the King we wanted and the Savior we thought we needed.

Then some of the women came running to the room where we were gathered and told us angels had told of the Lord's rising, but we were hopeless and so did not believe them. The evening of that same day, two of our number came banging on the door to the room where we were gathered and also told of his rising, so we began to wonder. Then, as they were telling their story, Jesus himself appeared in our midst, and everything changed. He opened our eyes and our hearts to understand the prophecies concerning him, he removed my self-imposed blindness and deafness, he made us see a New Kingdom of which he was the foundation and that we would help to build. He gave us life and hope and joy.