Zombies Attack America! or Why A Zombie Apocalypse Is Coming

Zombies attack America! *

Please keep in mind that this is primarily for entertainment purposes.

While I was in the shower this morning I thought about how wasteful showers are of water, which lead me to think of resources, which caused me to realize, that in the back of my mind I think our society is someday and somehow going to break down. I've been thinking for a few years that eventually I want to own land and be as self-sustaining as I can. My primary reason is simply that I don't like to be dependent, but a small part of me also whispers, “just in case.”

Just in case a virus is created which specifically targets the frontal lobe, which would take away our impulse control and much of what makes us human. Something that often occurs in warfare is a dehumanizing of an opponent, what better way to do this than to make them act little different than animals?

If you take away a human's higher brain functions, you leave them one of the most vulnerable creatures on the planet, especially if you are the stereotypical “obese American.” Also, deprived of our higher functions, I think we would largely become opportunists in in terms of our diet. So, you throw these two things together and ta-dah! The equivalent of flesh-eating zombies. In case you don't get it, the athletes would eat the, umm, husky people.

With such a potential threat to the rest of the planet residing in a country, not many would object to taking forceful action to deal with the problem, besides, the enemy is hardly human anymore anyway. So, there's the recipe for dealing with a country without causing the rest of the world to hate you and retaliate (as long as you can keep the secret of your releasing the virus).

So, stockpile your food and chose your weapons. As well as a shot gun (which I don't actually have, just so everybody knows), I'm going to keep my machete and hatchet handy (guns can malfunction and breakdown). Though, after having a discussion with the Emergency Response AmeriCorps Team I used to be a part of, we decided a small sledge hammer with an extended handle would be best (machetes and hatchets might get stuck in your opponent).

If you're stuck in a city, head to the inner city, because, though it will be more crowded, many of the shops are already fairly fortified. If you have the means, I recommend escaping to a small island with enough resources to sustain yourself, but keep in mind these zombies can probably swim.

Let's hope the virus isn't airborne and that it makes the zombies too stupid to use guns, otherwise, almost all of us are screwed. If it is airborne and you try to wear a mask, don't forget that the eyes are almost as susceptible to contagions as the mouth and nose are, so put on some goggles for good measure (or get a gas-mask).

*Note: this was written a few months ago, before the zombie-like attacks were reported in the news.