The Loss of Unstructured Play and the Fading Shared Human Experience

As I have said of other of my blog posts, I didn't do research about this, it is merely my opinion which formed while I was tying my shoes, or taking a shower, or, in this case, as I was getting dressed on Sunday.

My thoughts started out thinking about writing a post concerning how "children are children the world over, no matter where you go"...but then I realized this will soon not be the case. At the last church I went to, every week at my church small group the toddler age daughter of our hosts would play with people's phones, my nieces (one of whom is 4 and a half) play with my sister's phone, and many people are starting to buy phones or tablets for children who are that age or younger.

I've heard kids have computer classes in preschool and, if not then, then very soon after. Recess, free time, etc. seem to be in ever shorter supply in our country (and perhaps other developed countries). Not only is kindergarten actually highly structured but so are many preschools. Not only is school time structured, but "play time" now largely consists of myriads of structured activities.

Kids thrive on a sense of structure, of knowing what to expect but spontaneity has to be a part of life, you have to experience spontaneity and learn how to respond to it at an early age or life is going to be really tough.
 
So very increasing structure and becoming deeply involved with technology at ever younger ages, what does this have to do with the "shared human experience?" When telling others why I like working with kids in different cultures (and I have experienced quite a few) one of the things I say is, "Kids are kids, wherever you go." You may have no clue about the language, you may know nothing pertaining to the proper customs when interacting with adults, but you can play tag, hide-and-seek, climb a tree, kick a ball around, play hopscotch (or something like it), and relate to the kids in a thousand other ways, if you're willing to. Why is this possible? Because their unstructured play using only their environment and very limited resources took on a structure of its own that echoes your own childhood experiences. During this largely unsupervised play they formed their own rules of interaction and they remind us of lessons we learned on the playground or in our backyard. These children, those as a people they look and act so different from us, remind us a little of ourselves.
In short, through the children of another culture, we realize "they" are not so different from ourselves. The picture flashed in my head of the old and not so old pictures of soldiers smiling at children and children smiling back, because they are relating to each other, even if the parents seem alien, there's a spark of familiarity between the soldier and the child.

In this age of globalization we might just be increasing the differences between developing countries and developed ones; instead of closing gaps, we might be widening them. Imagine a child from today or one born ten years from now, with their hands always on technology, with their organized sports, organized dance, organized life, and now imagine them going to a developing country for the first time when they are a teenager or an adult. Their phone may not get reception and slightly organized chaos is the schedule for the day.

Will there still be as much of a spark of recognition as they look at these alien children, will they still be able to see themselves in them and their play? It may be interesting to watch, it may be heartbreaking...I guess we'll have to wait and see.

P.S. Maybe I'm totally wrong, maybe because of often exposure to world news, to cultural events from around the world, the children of tomorrow will be able to relate to cultures other than their own better we ever could. Again, I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

The Downfall of Face-to-Face Interactions or Why The Younger Generation Doesn't Want to Talk to You

I'll say up front, I didn't do any research concerning this, it is simply my opinion based on snipetts of conversations I remember and pieces of things I've read.

I've shared on this or another blog that there was a period of years when I didn't really miss anyone, whether it be friends or family. Throughout my life I've always been leaving places and when you leave places, you leave people and, if you allow yourself to, you miss them...and missing hurts, missing makes you long for someone who isn't there, missing sucks. Because I was always leaving places, I decided I wouldn't miss people but in deciding this, I was unknowingly also deciding to not really connect to people, to tie our hearts together, to have our lives bonded. So one day I decided to allow myself to miss people again and, through a process, I did. I have to admit, though, I often I still leave places before I can get too attached to anyone.

I say all that because for years I have heard that our society is becoming a “mobile society,” people don't stay in one place as long as they used to, they're waiting for longer to settle down (in terms of starting a family), but even when they do “settle down” they still may not stay in one place.

I know I am an extreme case, over 13 houses in 3 countries before going to college and never staying in one place longer than 11 months (most of the time shorter) since I graduated in 2007; but I think, in general, people are moving more.

There's two types of relationships you can choose between, one that is based largely on physical interactions or one that is based largely on texts and social media. Do you see where I'm going with this?

You move when your kids are young, after they've played “hands-on” with kids and been physically involved in each others lives, and it hurts to leave those friends behind. Even if you don't move, as the kids get a little older, a lot of them leave school to go home to empty houses and it hurts to be alone, away from people. But in both those situations, you know what type of relationships come through for them? What allows them to take their friends with them across the country and into empty homes? Texting (which you can more easily do with multiple people than trying to have a conference call) and social media (which easily allows you to share your life with those who are not physically around).

They are connecting the best that they know how, the least painful way they know how, and in the process, the internet becomes more real, the intangible becomes more solid to them than you can understand.

They are interacting, they are connecting. In some ways they are more intimately involved in each others lives than an older generation could ever be; because they have a camera, video camera, and means of communication with them at all times, they can share what they see and hear (in a limited fashion), the moment they see or hear it.

But I am old-fashioned and getting older. Compared to side-by-side interaction, I don't even like phone calls. Though I enjoy being alone, if I am going to interact with people, I want them to be beside me. I want to hear their footsteps beside me as we walk together in the night, I want them to smell the campfire with me, I want to see them laugh or cry, to be able to walk with them arm in arm, or pat them on the back.

In all the younger generations connection with others who are far away, they begin to value less the possibility of connections immediately around them, after all, that was the type that caused them pain.

Despite all of their connection, I think there is a deep-seated need for physical connection as well. It is through those types of connections, the type that puts you face-to-face, that you learn respect (because you see them cry and hurt because of what you did), patience (because it's harder to ignore someone in the room with you whom you are tired of or frustrated with than to simply ignore texts), conflict resolution (because it's harder to dismiss a problem if someone is looking you in the face), and so many other things that apply to all aspects of our lives.

It seems to me and I seem to remember reading some research about that fact that it is in unstructured play that we learn many of the lessons I hinted at. Since there are less set rules, we have to work out our own and learn them, in short, we learn to have more successful personal physical interactions because we learn all the nuances which underlie them.

Unstructured play is something that children/young adults have been sorely without for many years. First we forsook our front porches and took away our watchful eyes and our neighbors watchful eyes and, partly because of this, many of us grew fearful of letting kids outside to play, to explore. I wonder if the world has really grown more dangerous for our children or are we just more fearful because we know of every awful thing that happens from coast to coast and around the world because of our global media?

I guess my advice is to put down roots, form deep physical connections with some families around you (and of course with your own family). Find a camp or some place where you feel safe enough to let your kids run around together being kids, without too much supervision. Even if it's just for a couple weeks each year, I'm sure they will learn a lot and have fun as well.

Oh yeah, and a part of unstructured play may be a skint knee or even a broken arm or being around another kid when something bad happens. But you know what? This teaches your kids that actions have consequences, that things they do can get them hurt or someone else.

One of my goals in life is to make some of these safe learning places, whether this be a library I am someday involved with, a camp I make, or a neighborhood I create. Also, I will push for others to make such places as well.

Someday the internet will be even more tangible than it is today but maybe, just maybe, the value of the immediate, of the here, will grow more tangible as well.

Now stop listening to the child-rearing advice of a single guy and go hug someone or give them a pat or the full sensory pleasure of watching you dance across the living room (if you do it for long enough, they'll probably film you, make fun of you, and share the video with their friends).

P.S. I have heard stories of parents and grandparents who had largely lost touch with their growing children/grandchildren but then they started texting them. Before they hardly ever talked but now they text quite often. Be careful not to get your hopes up too much, though, because they may just think you're weird or intrusive because that's in some kids job description (it's a bummer they take off the tag off at the hospital before the parents can read it).